Kinds Of People I’ve Met In Bombay (so far)

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  1. Basic ass bitch in Adidas with a latent STD and a gym membership.
  2. Magnetic Fields attending bro-dude who’s actually in audit but DJ’s on Fridays at the local bar because he still stays at home and saved enough money to buy a turntable. Also dates women who still wear white sneakers (like it’s 2013). His idea of excitement is a meticulously sliced hari mirchi in his weekend G&Ts.
  3. The guy who made a word up for his Instagram handle and believes that that makes him unique. Also got into Cryptocurrency two years back but considers himself an expert on the same.
  4. The dude dressed in all-black (forgetting that we live in Bandra, not Berlin) who’s in his late-thirties but still works at Viacom and vehemently claims to anybody who’d listen that Nh7 is still relevant.
  5. The screenwriter with a cross-body leather satchel. Often dabbles in LSD for “creative inspo.” Often searches for deeper meaning in Colaba.
  6. The guy with the black and white Instagram feed who painfully insists on referring to the aesthetic as “chiaroscuro.” He is also still learning how to spell said word.
  7. The “wild Bandra chick” (who’s actually from Agra) with orgies in Parel and threesomes in Bandra who claims that rampant, unprotected sex with strangers is a great way to burn calories and “work that bod.” Her dad still pays her rent.
  8. The rich SoBo guy who bought a Hasselblad for the sole purpose of clicking shots of skinny, dusky women with daddy issues and low alcohol capacities against the Goan sunset.
  9. The over-achieving assistant director who claims to have been “doing it for a decade” like it’s something to be proud of. Like, I dunno, read a book or something instead.
  10. The tired assistant director who wants his big foray into directing but spends more time on shooting schedules than treatment notes. Is also often found siphoning off footage and making his own edits that he later uploads on Vimeo with descriptions that often involve emoticons.
  11. The actress turned producer (because that’s her only shot at actually starring in something).
  12. The struggling actor who thinks gym time is equivalent to acting props.
  13. The coder who accidentally discovered sex while he was chasing money. Also pumps iron similar to gym-dude and considers himself an artist because he once read a quote by Borges – by mistake.
  14. The girl in fashion who routinely doesn’t shave and insists on wearing a septum ring and shirts unbuttoned down to the navel – until you realise she’s actually a boy.
  15. The capitalist white dude who would be a “Ramu” back in white-land but now has a hot, dusky Indian girlfriend with an ass & gets invited to a lot of parties to balance out the brown:white ratio. Owns a sherwani but still carries tissue paper wherever he goes.
  16. The buzzfeed/scoopwhopp/social media champion who can’t sleep at night because of what he has created (or so I hope).
  17. That one feminist woman director with less talent, more grudges.
  18. People who routinely think it’s still acceptable to read Murakami and worse still, search for meaning within its glib-Jap pop culture nonsense with cherry blossom fields and dream sequences.
  19. The chef who went to an obscure town in Europe to study gastronomical food engineering and now only drinks locally brewed IPAs and proceeds to write an essay about it on Instagram. Or, a kala khatta chuski. Or, a bread and butter sandwich. You get the drift.
  20. A plethora of people who grew up in Chembur/Andheri/Powai eating missal paav but are now gluten-lactose-dairy-carbs free & wear a shirt with a pattern of fruits on it at some point during the week. Said pattern is also often turned into themed parties (for reasons I will never understand). Something about being from the suburbs gives unprecedented power to start cults. Think about it
  21. That upright bassist who used to have taste before he started playing in Bombay.
  22. Freelancing ad lady who hates on capitalism(irony lost) just cos she spent a year in Eastern Europe. Considers herself a writer with a blog called “a maverick’s monologue” updated every 10-12 months (aka me) (courtesy Aman, my forever NemesisxMuse)

(whoever gets that Nicholas Cage meme, hmu. I wanna be friends)

 

3 thoughts on “Kinds Of People I’ve Met In Bombay (so far)

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